How Living for Yourself Will Create Your Best Life

Have you ever heard anyone say “you need to start living for yourself” or “do what’s right for you”? 

It’s one of those well-meaning but ultimately useless pieces of advice. Sure, it sounds great, but how do you actually do it? And then there’s that nagging thought in the back of your mind that tells you it’s selfish to only think of yourself.

You’re caught in the middle. On one hand, it seems like something you should do, but on the other hand, you’re not sure how you feel about it. Let me help you clear things up.

What Does Living for Yourself Mean? 

You are the creator of your life and your experience here. When you’re living for yourself, you are consciously choosing who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world. Though you may take outside opinions into consideration, you’re not basing your decisions or experience in life on other people’s wishes or societal expectations. Nor are you waiting for someone or something else to create an experience for you. You are actively pursuing the life you want and in so doing, you wind up living your best life. 

Yes, it’s Okay to Live for Yourself

No, this is not selfish. Living for yourself doesn’t mean all you think about is yourself and you don’t help others. It means putting your needs first and making choices that align with your values. If you value kindness or love, then it would follow that you would be a kind, loving, helpful person to others. Just make sure that whatever you’re doing for someone, you’re doing it because you want to, not because you feel you have to. It needs to be your choice.

We’ve all heard some version of the saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” When you’re busy taking care of everyone else’s needs but your own, or you’re just allowing life to happen to you and reacting to it as necessary, you can easily become stressed and overwhelmed. From this place, how are you really showing up for the people in your life?

When you take the time to pour into yourself, now you have something to provide to others. 

Living for Yourself is Easier Said than Done

So why is it so hard to just follow the advice of living for yourself? 

A lot of it comes back to our brain and how it’s wired. We’ve been conditioned to both live for others and respond to our environment because it was essential for our survival. Who wants to be stuck outside to fend for yourself alone with the tigers? Outlook not so good. 

In a more primitive time, this served us well. Today, it gets in the way of creating the lives we want because it can cause us to compromise our own dreams, values, and standards.

Also, we came into this world as babies depending on others to take care of us. It’s true we need love and approval to thrive when we are young. But as we develop into adults, we need to learn to love and approve of ourselves. 

Because of all this, we learn to care about what other people think. We feel pressure to do what we think we should do to fit in. Our brain finds it safe in this place of acceptance and approval from others. 

Take a minute to think about where this has shown up in your life.

Maybe you’ve pursued goals based on what society deems as success, like getting a degree or getting married and having kids. And that’s okay as long as it’s what you truly want. But many people never question it and end up feeling stuck and lost in a life they don’t want, wondering how they got there.

Others feel like life is happening to them, and they’re just going through the motions. They’re living each day in the same mundane routine. They want something different but don’t know how to make a change. When challenges and situations arise, they react to their circumstances instead of consciously deciding how they want to show up. They spend time worrying about things they have no control over and may escape their thoughts and feelings by indulging in distractions. They feel powerless.

Do you know anyone like this? Can you relate?

Whether you’re living for others or in response to your life, neither of these cases is an example of living for yourself.

When you really look around, you can see there are many people living in this way, rather than consciously constructing the lives they want. Because of this, many of the examples we’ve been given in life do not show us how to live for ourselves. No wonder it’s so hard! But it’s not impossible.

How Do I Start Living for Myself?

Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging! Here’s where we make this advice of living for yourself useful for you. Follow these tips to get you started on this path right away.

Make the Decision

If this sounds good to you, the first thing you need to do is make a clear decision that living for yourself is worth pursuing, and that it’s not selfish.

Don’t just read all this and think, “Sure it would be nice to live for myself. I will try.” Trying means you’re giving yourself leeway to fail. You’re already starting your journey with a seed of doubt. When you decide, when you tell yourself that this is a priority and you are clear on why it’s important, then you make it happen.

Self-Responsibility

This step is all about bringing consciousness to the fact that you are responsible for your feelings. Nothing outside of you has the power to make you feel a certain way. Sure, certain circumstances can make it easier for us to have positive or negative thoughts, but in the end, it’s your thoughts causing your feelings. 

When you believe your feelings are caused by your external environment, you are no longer in control. You have given away your power and have lost your ability to change your experience. You’re allowing the outside world to create your reality and determine your life experience for you.

Falling into Victimhood

This may sound harsh, but I would argue that you’re either living for yourself-consciously creating your life, or you’re being a victim of your circumstances.

Not in a million years did I think I was a victim in my life. But once I saw this pattern, I saw it everywhere. I recognized it in my own life, other people’s lives, on social media, on TV, everywhere.

I’ll give you several examples of this from my own life:

• When I blamed my unhappiness on a missing piece that existed outside of me……victim
• When I blamed my unfulfilled hopes and dreams on not enough time….victim
• When I blamed my overwhelm and indecision on information overload…victim
• When I blame (yes this still happens!) my frustration on my kids’ behaviors…victim
• When I blame my defensiveness on my partner for feeling that he’s not understanding me…victim

And if you’re having a hard time seeing this in yourself, I seriously recommend turning on some reality TV and noticing all the times people are giving up their power. So many emotional roller-coasters all dependent upon what happens next or what somebody else does or says. 

Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us are playing the victim in some area of our lives. 

Take Back Your Power

The reason why it’s so important to take responsibility for your feelings is because they are what will ultimately create your reality and results in life. This is happening in each and every moment of your life, regardless of whether or not you are conscious of it. Understand this, and you understand your power. 

When you’re living consciously in your power, creating a life experience that you are happy with, this is when you’re living for yourself.

Now, if there is any part of you that doesn’t believe this or wants to argue that you are not responsible for creating certain things in your life, the first thing you need to do is question those beliefs. 

Even if you don’t quite believe it, would it hurt to try? 

Are you getting the results you want in life by not believing this?

What harm would it do to take responsibility and see what could happen for you? 

Recognize When You’re Giving Away Your Power

Since living for yourself is all about staying in your power, recognizing when you’re giving it away is the first step to taking it back. 

Let’s dive a little deeper into this by bringing awareness to some of the more common disempowering emotions that may be putting you in the passenger seat of your life.  

Defensiveness

“Defense is the first act of war.” -Byron Katie

When it comes to feeling defensive, I think Byron Katie says it best. So often we think the one “causing” us to feel defensive has started the war, but there would exist no war without this blame. 

When you find this feeling arise in you, get curious about it. Whatever the other person has said, look where this may be true. If you can’t find any truth in it, then question whether it’s okay for this person to be wrong about you. And if it’s not okay for them to be wrong, why?

When we’re feeling defensive, we’re trying to get the other person to change or see things our way so we can feel better. Us feeling better, is based on what the other person does. This is a problem because we can’t control another person, but our power now lies in their hands.

Anger and Resentment

Any time you’re feeling resentment, or holding onto anger, you are giving away your power. This is true whether it be with yourself or with somebody or something outside of you. 

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”-the Buddha

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, and it’s so true. The other person may not have a care in the world about your anger. But even if they do, the only person your anger is really hurting is you. 

When you’re feeling resentful, you are completely disempowered. You’re basically wanting someone to do something that they’re not doing. Again, you’re blaming someone else - for which you have no control over - for your feelings. 

Resentment is also something that can easily build when you are living for others. You may blame them for taking all your time and energy even though you are the one choosing to give it away. You must live for yourself in order to live for others and come from a place where you expect nothing in return.

Worry

This has been a big one for me. My brain has been wired to worry. It wasn’t so noticeable to me before kids, but now I find it creeping in quite often. 

It’s easy to see why the brain wants to worry. It feels productive and protective to the brain to worry. But when we’re in worry, we again find ourselves disempowered. We are blaming our worry on something that might take place outside of us. 

If you’re responding to life as it comes at you, it’s easy to fall into anger or worry as things will come up often that are out of your control. Especially when looking at the world at large. Things like COVID and lockdowns, inflation, war, political divisiveness, the list is endless. Turn on the news, and it will confirm that there is no shortage of potential things for you to worry about.  

The key is to identify what you do have control over. Go into acceptance with the things you don’t. Then decide who you want to be in this situation.

Remember, your thoughts and emotions are powerful and can create your reality. By recognizing when you’re giving away your power, you can take it back and start living for yourself.

Making Use of These Emotions

Notice when these feelings arise in you and use them as a guidance system gently letting you know when you are off your path. Recognize that you are having disempowering thoughts and are giving away your power. 

Things are happening constantly and consistently that are out of your control. If you choose to base your feelings on these events, then welcome to the emotional roller coaster of your life. Our kids don’t always do as we say, relationships may end, people say and do things we don’t agree with, people get sick, they pass away, there is violence and inequality all around us…things happen all the time that we don’t like or plan for. Don’t let these circumstances determine your life for you!

An easy place to start with all of this would be to just set a goal of recognizing when you’re giving away your power. When you change your focus, it’s like a lightbulb switch in your brain. It’s one of those things where once you learn it and start seeing it in your life, it’s hard to unsee.     

Now from this new place of awareness, you’re no longer stuck with nowhere to go. Take your power back, and you take back your ability to create a different experience. 

It’s your choice on where you want to go from here. 

Live Consciously

Since you don’t have control over what happens outside of you, you need to focus on what you do have control over, which is yourself. This way, when things go seemingly wrong or not as expected, you get to decide who you want to be in those moments. You can show up strong or confident, or you can show up angry, confused, or afraid. It’s your choice.

Before you decide, I want you to really take a moment to reflect on what your current thoughts and emotions are creating for you. 

Many times, when we believe that an external situation is the cause of our feelings, we then think that changing our situation will make us feel better. This is when we might leave a relationship, quit a job, have a drink…choose your escape. Yes, this may work for a short time, but it’s a band-aid solution. The real lasting change happens when we look to change our inner world and not our outer world. 

I know this all too well. I wasn’t happy with my life and had this feeling that something was missing. That if I had whatever that was, I could finally be happy. I had to find the missing piece, so I quit my job, traveled, got certifications, and consumed as much information as I could. And after all that, sure I was distracted for a while, but the feeling that something was missing remained.

What I really needed to do was live for myself. To stop focusing on what was missing outside of me and responding to my external circumstances. And to go inward and decide what I really needed, and if my current way of living was serving me. And from there, consciously choose what I wanted and take actions towards my desired outcome.

With that being said, my hope, of course, is that you’ve decided you’d rather choose living for yourself. That you’d like to be the conscious creator of your life by choosing how you want to show up for yourself and for those around you.

Let’s look at an example of how this could play out. Here’s the situation: Something happens outside of you, and you respond to your environment by going into worry or anger. You recognize you're giving away your power…now what? So let’s say the kids are going crazy, and they’re not open to your attempts at controlling them. It’s very easy to get angry and blame your frustration on them. But when your power is in their hands, this is when you lose control. You may yell or do something you will later regret.

Since you can’t control what your kids do, to take your power back, you need to go into acceptance of what is happening. This doesn’t mean you approve or agree with it. It just means you’re acknowledging that this is the reality right now. You need to consciously decide that you are in control of how you show up, not your kids, and decide what you want to do from there. Only you know the answer to what this is. 

Don’t Expect it to be Easy

Continuing with the example above, yes, it’s easy to be calm when everything is going your way. What’s hard is to be calm when the kids are out of control. It causes you to get off of auto-pilot, which has you unconsciously responding to your environment by reacting to your kids. It opens you to become curious about your thoughts and gets you to grow as a person. 

I believe that the purpose in life is to grow and evolve. This is one of those opportunities to make a small shift in your focus in order to take big steps on your path of creating your best life. Look forward to opportunities to grow. Learn to value growth over what’s easy and comfortable. 

The more you practice hard moments, the stronger you will get, just like building a muscle and going to the gym. Expecting this to be hard and looking forward to it is what will get you to stick with it and ultimately see the results you desire. 

Living a life where everything goes your way is not realistic and is not what it means to live for yourself. This is where people think that living for yourself is selfish, where you do what you want and expect everything to go your way and then get mad when things don’t. Instead, living for yourself means taking responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and actions, and consciously choosing how you want to show up in the world, even in the difficult moments.

Get Curious, Not Judgmental

When you hear that you are responsible for your negative emotions, it’s understandable you may become defensive and fall even further into victimhood. You may also start to feel worse with the understanding that you created an undesirable circumstance for yourself. This is placing blame on top of blame. First, you were blaming something outside of you, now you are blaming yourself. This is not helpful in any way!

Instead, you need to meet your emotions with understanding and curiosity in order to move past them. When you approach your emotions with curiosity, you can start to question your thoughts and beliefs, which can lead to a shift in perspective and a new way of thinking.

We are never consciously creating undesirable life experiences. So even though we have created it, have compassion for yourself as this is happening outside of your awareness. When you begin to question your thoughts, you will see that your brain is only trying to protect you. Remember our brain thinks we need validation and acceptance from others in order to survive, so when you find yourself living for others or seeking their approval, this is why. 

Bottom line, thoughts become things. Start sorting out the ones that are no longer true for you and move towards the thoughts that create the experience you want in life and speak to who you authentically are. By approaching your emotions with curiosity instead of judgment, you can start to create a life that aligns with your true self.

Know Yourself

You can’t make the choice of living for yourself without knowing yourself. It’s one thing to understand when and why you’re giving away your power, and another to know what choices to make that will impact your life for the better. 

Spend time thinking about what living your best life entails for you. What are your hopes and desires for your life? 

And from the position of already being in that place, consider these questions:

Remember, you are always in control of how you show up. Focus on who you want to be, and make that choice as often as you are able in both the easy and challenging moments in life. 

Be Prepared

It takes conscious effort to override your brain’s wiring and to take a different action. Your “thinking” brain tends to go offline when you’re in survival mode, as you are now in the fight or flight response, and your body’s resources have other concerns. This is why it’s so important to be prepared ahead of time so you don’t need your thinking brain in order to know what to do next.

Create a plan for how you might handle a situation when it comes up again. The next time you find yourself playing the victim or feeling defensive, angry, or resentful, how might you take your power back in that situation? How do you want to show up in these moments?

Know that the more you do this, the easier it will become, as you slowly start to rewire your brain for a different response. 

Here’s a simple example from my life. I would often feel overwhelmed from too much information. When I was able to identify that I was giving this information all of my power, I chose to take responsibility for my overwhelm. I took the time to tune in and create a laser focus on what was most important to me in navigating this information. Instead of overwhelmed, I decided I wanted to feel determined. I could also feel grateful for all that’s available to me. This is living for myself and not allowing my circumstances to control my life.

Start Living Your Best Life Now

My hope for you after reading this post is that you are inspired to look at your life through a different lens. That you might allow your emotions to guide you to a more conscious existence where you are able to live your best life. 

Don’t let the outside world control your emotional life. This can be a scary place to be. Take back your power. Become curious with the thoughts causing your feelings, and move towards thoughts that create the experience you want in life and speak to who you authentically are. This is when you start living for yourself and, in doing so, touch the lives of everyone around you. 

It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. What do you have to lose besides your negative life experiences!?